Running with Scissors lyrics

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy
Living in a box under the stairs
In the corner of the basement of the house
Half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop
You know the place
Well anyway, back then life was going swell
And everything was just peachy
Except of course for the undeniable fact
That every single morning my mother

Who's that waddlin'down the street?
It's just me'cause I love to eat
Fudge and Twinkies and deviled ham
Who's real flabby? Yes, I am!
Every picture of me's
Gotta be an aerial view
Now my doctor tells me
There's just one thing left to do--

Grapefruit Diet (diet!)
Throw out the pizza and beer
Grapefruit Diet (diet!)
Oh, get those jelly donuts out of here
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)

I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a big ol' truck
Pedal to the metal, hope I don't run out of luck
Rollin' down the highway until the break of dawn
Drivin' a truck with my high heels on

My diesel rig is northward bound
It's time to put that hammer down
Just watchin' as the miles go flyin' by
I'm ridin' twenty tons of steel
But it's sure hard to hold the wheel

A long, long time ago
In a galaxy far away
Naboo was under an attack
And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn
Could talk the Federation in-
To maybe cutting them a little slack
But their response, it didn't thrill us
They locked the doors and tried to kill us
We escaped from that gas
Then met Jar Jar and Boss Nass
We took a bongo from the scene
And we went to Theed to see the queen

Veren zol fun dir a blintsa

(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
And all the goyim say I'm pretty fly for a rabbi

Meccha leccha hi, meccha hiney hiney ho

Our temple's had a fair share of rabbis in the past
But most of 'em were nudniks and none of 'em would last

It's been, one week since we got to see,
Cheatin' lovers and cousins that marry.
5 days since they had the show with the hermaphrodit
the slut, and the crackhoe
3 days since we heard the tale about the guy who learned
his woman was a she-male.
Yesterday, it occured to me, that I'd been watching a bit
too much Jerry Springer.

Holy Cow, didya see it last week?

Yo, I'll tell ya what I want, what I really really want
(So tell us what ya want, what ya really really want)
I'll tell ya what I want, what I really really want
(So tell us what ya want, what ya really really want)
I wanna (ha)
I wanna (ha)
I wanna (ha)
I wanna (ha)
I wanna really really really wanna zigzag (ah)
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,

It's all about the Pentiums, baby
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
It's all about the Pentiums!
It's all about the Pentiums!
(Yeah!!)

Whatcha wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?

Oh, my baby, my baby she don't want me no more
Ever since she saw his poster in that record store
She says the way he grinds his molars is really sexy
She thinks he's so darn dysfunctional and "Generation X"y
She likes his brooding angst and his wild-eyed stare
Yeah, he's her very favorite slacker multi-millionaire

Well, my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder

Oh, this is a story 'bout a guy named Al
And he lived in a sewer with his hamster pal
But the sanitation workers really didn't approve
So he packed up his accordion and had to move
To a city in Ohio where he lived in a tree
And he worked in a nasal decongestant factory
And he played on the company bowling team
And every single night he had a strange recurring dream

Sometimes I really want to be alone
But that's one state I'm never in
Because I know that I've got millions upon millions
Of tiny one-celled organisms living on my skin

(Germs) I rub and scrub until my flesh is raw and bleeding
(Germs) But they just come right back again
(Germs) I can't even see 'em
But I know they're up to something
Hey-don't touch that-you don't know where it's been!

Aquarius!
There's travel in your future when your tounge
freezes to the back of a speeding bus,
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing
Whack-a-mole 17 hours a day.

Pieces!
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola Virus
You are the true lord of the dance,
No matter what those idiots at work say

Aries!
The look on your face will be priceless