Top 100 Guitarists of All-time

Not only is this list a complete injustice to any semi-educated fan of guitar, it is a heap of pro-top 40, “wow-that’s-what-I-call-music” propaganda. David Gilmour, guitarist of one of the most known bands of all time, forged a legacy of sonic dominance, single handedly wearing out more G-strings than all the strippers in Las Vegas and Reno. Why is it that guitar players like David Gilmour, who the masterminds at Rolling stone graciously placed at number 86, or Eddie Van Halen placed so low, but Jack White ,ranked 17, is so high. Did Jack White, who by the way would not have picked up an axe unless these two guys made the albums they did, really effect music in a way that the aforementioned “guitar-knights” were unable. If you made a band with David Gilmour and Eddie Van Halen, who was ranked 70 by the losers at Rolling stone, there would be civil unrest, all the grass would die, the tides would stop, there would so much shredding-tone the earth’s polarity would reverse, and melt the ice caps. The president would have to intervene, calling martial law, Jack Bauer--on holiday in the south of France-- would be assigned to resolve the matter. Stocks would plummet, baby seals would get clubbed, whales would find there way to the shore and the moon’s core would boil over until they were stopped. On the other hand If you put Jack White and Kurt “lead-magnet” Cobain in a band, they would make a song about being pissed at some corporate oligarchy, they would play music that only people strung out on heroin can stand, Kurt would do a repeat of what he did at his house only this time stage, and with a pitch fork the 1 million people that would crowd into the Starbucks they would play in would think it was part of the show… witch brings me to my next point where is the guitarist from Gwar he should be at least top 25 according to this list……….. While we are talking about Kurt and his addictions, anybody that can tell the difference between mature guitar playing, and adolescent garage barre chord fuzz, can tell you that Kurt Cobain doesn’t belong in the top 100 at all. Some Nirvana Kool-aid chuggers out there would go ahead, and put him at number 1 if they could, just because he “changed music”. I’ll tell you what he changed, the price of flannel now every kid who hates his dad wants to wear a flannel coat sit around on a street corner and complain about coffee prices. That leaves a guy like me freezing cold in the winter ‘cause I’m not paying 75 dollars for a coat to look like any body that claims Seattle as a home base.
I could just imagine how Jonny Ramone felt when he read the list. I bet he ran home and ripped out the page with is name on it, hung it on the fridge, and shouted to his mom, “see mama all that hard work learning those four chords played off” then she would say, “good boy, now go and clean your room supper will be in about an hour” I see a stunning paradox. Rolling Stoners, how could the heavy metal Osiris, Toni Iommi be ranked 86? Toni Iommi not only leveled out, graded, paved and sealed the road for so many bands to come, he practically invented distortion. wait what guitar players use distortion oh yeah 99.9% of them.
I’m real surprised to not see Dave Mathews and to see that Keith Richards cracked the top ten. I think it has to do with the name of the magazine, and the name of the band the stone-aged, half embalmed guitarist belongs to. Don’t get me wrong Keith would be in my top ten drug abusers of all time but not guitarists. When it comes to riffs he is a champ no doubt, but so is Scott Ian of Anthrax, Malcolm Young, and Kerry King of Slayer, non of which are on the list. I was wondering what is harder for me to put Keith, the bionic liver-owning dinosaur, in my top ten or listen to Hannah Montana live at the Mall of America for a month strait-- Its all about the climb, la la la, good song.
There are only 100 spots on the list, so shouldn’t we put the best players on it?
I know a rhetorical question, yet it still bears asking right? What is with the absence of some of the truly magical grove alchemist’s? Joe Satriani, who is that? you are saying. (If you can’t put a face to the name stop reading this right now.) Ok now that I know your serious where is he on this list can I get a honorable mention… Steve Vai, Yngwie Johann Malmsteen, Alex Lifeson, Eric Johnson, Kenny Wayne Sheppard, Peter Frampton to say a few.
I’m not a hair-band apologist, but there are some fine guitar players from that era. I would rather see The Scorpions guitarist Matthias Jabs on this list than the pop sensation Joe Perry--shouldn’t he be playing the casino circuit by now. Living on the edge, great solo…no rather uninspired. John McLaughlin, placed one lower on the list than Joe, played more notes in the first minute:42 of “Birds of Fire” than Perry played in two “Just Push Play" Tours. My suggestion to Rolling Stone is to rename the list, eliminate “of all time” from the title all together. Instead name it: “The Top 100 Popular Politically Correct List Not to Offend our Young Readers by not Including Guitar-Players That You Wouldn’t Know", Kind of a mouthful but nonetheless correct.My main point is this; if this is a top 100 of all time then and the players I have brought up are not part of the equation then what are we headed for…